Children & Grief - Do and Don'ts for Toddlers
This page is dedicated to Zane and Mazey in memory of their Daddy who passed away January 11th, 1998.
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Do
Discuss and explain the death to the child. Spend as much time as possible with the child and encourage the child to express his or her feelings openly.
Do acknowledge that children grieve. Even toddlers grieve very deeply. Children may appear to be unaffected because they are unable to verbalize their feelings. Expect them to express their feelings through behavior and play. The child may express his or her feelings through boisterous play, nightmares, irritability, or showing anger towards others. The child may become more infantile, demanding attention, bedwetting, or talking "baby talk". The child may be terrified of future abandonment.
Watch for danger signals: a decrease in activity, withdrawal from loved ones, inability to sleep, loss of appetite, and separation anxiety.
Do seek professional help for your child immediately. We have not been trained in our society to deal effectively with death and grief issues.
Do address the child's fears about who will take care of them. Reassure them that this doesn't mean someone else they love is going to die.
Answer questions as openly and honestly as possible and give simple answers. Try to use words the child will understand. Avoid using cliches that will only increase the child's confusion, fear, and uncertainty. Someone told my grandson that Jesus came to take his daddy to heaven. Later Zane ask me to "lock the door on Jesus." Zane also feared that anyone who is old might die. He was told that usually only old people die.
Do find ways to help the child connect to the lost person: draw pictures to take to the cemetery, keep special pictures and objects in a memory box, create a memorial the child can associate with.
Do allow the child time to grieve. Children grieve just like adults do and the grieving process may take a long time. Signs of grief may appear years after the death and at unexpected moments.
Do keep the child in familiar surroundings and with close relatives and friends.
Don't
Do not try to shield the child from the truth. Do not isolate the child. You will only prolong their grief or it will show up later when it is unexpected.
Do not expect the child to get over their grief, instead teach them to express their grief. Expect them to experience the same stages of grief as an adult.
Do not make any sudden changes in the child's life such as moving or changing their daily routine.
Do not potty train a child soon after a death.
Do not put the child in a new day care or with a new babysitter. The child may feel abandoned and alone.
The guidelines on this page are my own opinion based on my own experience. I strongly encourage you to seek professional advice. We found a wonderful family counselor who helped us tremendously. Sadly, I continue to learn daily about toddlers and grief. I will continue to update this page. Please visit again soon. If you have a suggestion you would like to add to this page, please send via e-mail to nancy@ourangels.com.
Main My Story A Tribute to Scott Grief Resources Write to your Angel Children and Grief A Tribute to Ryan
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